Endurance
by dolly shoes
Summary: Everything slipped away like a fistful of sand. Blair centered future fic. Blair/Chuck, Serena.


Disclaimer: I do not own GG or it's characters. Sadly.

* * *

It begins with a pang.

Blair signs the divorce papers in a regretful mood. It's not that she mourns losing her husband, more the marriage and security that it bought than anything.

She cries herself through the next two days, watching Audrey Hepburn classics and pigging out on Ben and Jerry's. Blair allows Shakespeare on the bed each night, even though his hair will get all over the sheets and he always curls up in the center of the bed so she has to angle her body around him, because just having a presence, even if it is her cat, makes her feel that less bit lonely.

'Maybe my mother was right,' Blair tells Serena on the phone in a defeated tone. 'I'm never going to be as thin, or beautiful or happy as I was back then.'

'Were we happy though?'

Blair can't answer.

In the background she hears the shrill, whining voice of a young child attempting to gain her mother's attention and imagines the tiny girl tugging on Serena's hand, begging her to play. 'Blair, I'm sorry, I have to go.' Serena sounds harassed, Blair knows it's nothing to do with the pressures of being a mother; she has several maids, a day nanny and a night nanny at her beck and call. Serena is following the tradition (you can take the girl out of the UES, but you can't take the UES out of the girl), her marriage is going down the drain and Blair's recent misfortunes are only adding to the woman's unease.

'Listen, I'm sorry I can't fly out to see you for a while but I'll call you again tomorrow, okay? I love you, stay strong.'

The line goes dead at the exact same time that knock sounds on the door, and she knows she's not herself when she traipses to find out who dares disturb her without a second though to her appearance; sweat pants, no make-up, uncombed hair.

She is not ready to see Chuck Bass standing in her doorway and has to do a double take just to make sure - _yep it's him._ He looks the same; dark eyes and pale skin, strong jaw line and hollowed cheekbones.

'Hi,' he smiles.

'Uh.. hi.' She hasn't seen him since years back, and that was simply at a dinner party where he sat seats down and they barely exchanged three words. 'What are you doing here?'

'I heard about the divorce. And, seeing as the other two are out of town and I happen to be visiting, I figured it was my duty to check up on you.'

* * *

Blair could have gone to Victrola anytime, but after her final breakup with Chuck it didn't seem right to go back there with anyone else. The place hadn't changed and as the two of them sat and admired the burlesque dancers she got a sense of De ja vu. It felt like the night she'd broken up with Nate, and the weight of that decision hadn't quite hit her yet and she was flying high on the liberation of independence. It felt like the night she cut loose a partner and lost her virginity unexpectedly to the enigma that was Chuck Bass.

She is pleasantly buzzed by the alcohol when Blair allowed her eyes to slide over to Chuck and her mind began to wonder.

Was this his plan? A repeat of years back. Blair loses boyfriend/husband, Blair is vulnerable, Blair allows Chuck to whisk her off to Victrola for an amazing night and then she in turn allows him to take her in the back of his limo. Surprisingly, she didn't feel offended or violated. Instead she felt the slow burn of desire ignite in her lower belly. Excitement flooded through her veins.

He caught her watching him and he turned to smile at her. 'What?'

If she wanted to, she could allow herself to pretend that she was that seventeen-year-old virgin again. The place was the same, the feeling was the same and he was the same. Right from his deep, luxurious voice to his confident yet relaxed posture, as though nothing bothered him.

'What happened between us? You and I?'

'Relationships like that always go sour.' When she gives him a confusion look he continues, 'you know. Passionate, fiery. Love and hate, hand in hand.' She feels herself leaning closer as though physically pulled by some unseen force. Chuck watches her, an unreadable look in his eyes. 'We were doomed from the beginning. I admire you for breaking it off that final time.'

'Really?' She creeps another inch and Blair can't even remember what they're talking about, or if she told herself to say that.

'Yes,' he's speaking slow, and eyeing her in her sudden close proximity. 'It was for the best.'

'Mm,' she can feel his breath crashing against her lips.

'We were the real thing though. The way I felt about you, the way I loved you. No one will ever replace you in my heart.'

Without a clear though she kisses him soft but urgently.

The second it lasts is amazing, like home, like _finally_.

But then he's pulling away and uttering her name and leaning his forehead against hers and is that... _rejection?_

'I'm engaged.' He smiled weakly, as though his facial expression could soften the blow.

'Oh.' _Oh._ She stared at him for a while, aware that she was gaping but unable to pull herself together. It was hard for Blair to comprehend the fact that this man, this UES playboy extreme, who'd she known since her childhood, was to be wed. Chuck Bass and marriage didn't go in the same sentence. Chuck Bass had a fian-- _oh god_, he had a fiancée! A confusion of emotions stirred within Blair and the only thing she allowed herself to distinguish was anger. 'Then what is this?' She threw her arms out in exasperation, motioning wildly to their surroundings of the cozy corner in Victrola.

'Excuse me?'

Blair scooted away from him on the comfortable seating only to lean forward and place a couple of irrational punches on his arm. He ducked, shielding his head and let out a string of curses at her. Blair made a sound of frustration and ceased his slow execution to question him on the reasons of her humiliation. 'What the hell is this, Chuck? Why did you invite me here, tell me those... those things, and then drop the married bomb? Huh?' She punctuated the end of her interrogation with another hit. 'Why?'

'Argh- would you stop with the punching?' Chuck made a flailing grab at her arm but she withdrew her arm immediately, as though his hand were hot as an iron. 'What is wrong with you, woman?'

'What is wrong with me? _What is wrong with me?_ You're the engaged man who invited a newly single, vulnerable ex-girlfriend out for drinks and started talking about their old relationship and how he would love no one else like said newly single, vulnerable ex-girlfriend! I mean,' she clasped a hand to her forehead, '_God_, Chuck.' _Engaged_.

'_What?_ I told you why - I was in town and heard about your divorce.'

'Yeah, and you thought "ah, there's an old flame who'll be in need of some TLC, _why don't I go offer my services_?"' Blair gripped the seating below her while pronouncing her words with all the venom she could muster as she looked at him with disgust in her eyes.

'No, I though there's an old _friend_, who might need someone.'

'Oh, so your intentions were completely honorable as always, were they?' Blair narrowed her eyes mockingly.

'Mine were, but apparently yours weren't.' Chuck scoffed and Blair cringed, she had been hoping that if she kept on the offensive then they would completely bypass her reasons for accompanying Chuck. _Damn his mixed signals!_

'Hey – just, don't, okay! What was I supposed to think?'

Chuck's face visibly softened and the tension in his posture eased. 'Look, Blair,' he reached out tentatively to her.

She swatted his hand away. 'Please, don't.' His pity was worse than anything, it made her shame deepen and she felt even more stupid than ever. 'It's fine. I was just being silly. It's the alcohol, after all these years I'm still a lightweight.' The minute he'd pulled away from her she'd been sobered.

Chuck was looking at her like she'd just seen her puppy shot on the street, and it was killing her.

Blair fought desperately to regain control of the situation and her emotions. 'Listen, let's just forget that... incident happened, okay? Why don't you, uh, tell me about your fiancée?' She really didn't want to hear a thing about the woman, but she had to save some face.

'Blair... -'

'Just, please,' Blair begged him, needing to escape what had just occurred. She hoped he didn't hear the shake beneath the cheery tone when she carried on, 'Come on, what's she like?'

Blair was thankful that Chuck at least respected her enough to continue the charade. 'She's, uh, you know, great.' He shrugged non-enthusiastically.

_God. What a disaster._

'You love her?' Blair half-whispered, watching him below her lashes.

Chuck laughed mirthlessly, and turned his attentions to the women dancing on stage. 'No, I don't. But I'm very fond of her. And, she loves me you know?'

Blair eyed him. That was so Chuck. At a young age he was starved of attention and inside Blair knew he was just a little boy craving his lost mother. He wanted so desperately to be loved but would never love back. It wasn't that he was selfish - though he of course he was - he was just afraid, knowing from experience that the ties of relationships are delicate and easily severed. He'd been abandoned one too many times. Blair wondered if she were apart of that, if maybe he despised her on some level for moving on without him in college.

Blair knew it were a dangerous question, and would swing the conversation right back where she didn't want to go, but she couldn't resist. 'Are you faithful?'

Chuck grimaced, looking down into his scotch. 'Of course not,' he murmured, but with none of the usual boastful tone.

'So what's wrong with me? Did all that vegging out on the couch take it's toll?' she attempted to laugh of her deepest insecurity. Blair had tried to keep her tone light but was aware that she sounded pathetic. Inwardly she cursed herself and him and this _goddamn_ night. She should never have come.

'Blair, it's not that, you know it's not. It's just... that ship has sailed, you and I. After you broke up with me for the last time, I swore I'd be done. I mean, I moved away from New York to get over you. I even skipped your wedding, and for that, I am sorry. I know you're looking for comfort, but I can't give you one night because for me it would never be just _one night_.'

Blair swallowed the lump forming in her throat. 'Well,' she grinned past her pain, 'if I ain't getting laid, I better be off. Early start tomorrow and I,' she blinked furiously because suddenly her eyes stung and _no they were not tears because that would just be silly,_ 'have had far too much to drink.' Blair permitted a laugh to escape her lips but it didn't come of how she wanted it too and sounded more strangled than carefree and _I'm totally over this scene. _

Pulling on her coat hurriedly, Blair readied herself for the escape but to her horror Chuck was getting up also with a 'let me give you a ride home.'

'No! No. It's fine, really. I'll just catch a cab.' She was already backing away from the table where he was lingering hesitantly. 'So, congratulations, I guess. I'll see you at the wedding.'

_The wedding._ She pondered it in the backseat of the cab and couldn't get past it.

* * *

She doesn't in fact attend the wedding. It is a small family event in the woman's hometown in Italy. Serena sent her some photos that Blair looked at with her cat.

'She's pretty, I suppose, if you like that sort of thing.' Blair remarked, expression unimpressed as she inspects the photo of Chuck holding a beautiful, exotic woman in his arms. Blair's more interested by Chuck's smile than his wife anyway.

Blair hides the photos away in a draw, unsure of what she's supposed to do with them.

When Serena's divorce goes through a year later Blair finds herself even more hopeless.

Serena, a mess, comes to stay at the apartment with daughter and suitcases in tow. Blair welcomes the company, doesn't even mind the constant mess and business of her penthouse. She even enjoys the sound of water splashing over her tiles at "bath time" because it is a needed release from the silence. There is something deep beneath her joy at her best friend and goddaughter's presences.

She adores the mini version of Serena, but spending time with her makes the pang in her stomach increase to a deep sting. A deep craving, her female body answering the animalistic call of its function and making her broody.

When she hears the news of Chuck's wife's pregnancy she cries for three hours straight thinking about what could have been. Blair's not sure whether it's about him, or just the reminder of what she left behind and what has now moved on without her. It feels like her life is slipping away, like a fistful of sand.

'Did you hear?' Serena asks as she wrestles with her daughter, grabbing at tiny limbs in an attempt to hold the boisterous child still so she can brush her golden mane.

'About what?' Blair watches from the couch, the mug of coffee warming her palms as she clasps it to her chest.

'About Georgina Spark's accidental overdose in Miami.' Serena looks up and doesn't even notice as her child breaks free of her arms to her dollhouse, spread out in the middle of Blair's plush carpet.

Blair gapes at Serena who raises her eyebrows and utters, 'I know. I almost don't know how to be about it, you know? How to react. The last time I saw her I wanted to, well, kill her myself but...'

'But it's kind of it's hard to hate a dead girl.' Blair finishes for her.

'Do you think you could come to the funeral with me?' Serena pauses, visibly wilting as she approaches the couch were Blair lounges, wringing her manicured hand. 'Her parents are having the, uh, body transported down here to have her buried and uh, well, I thought I'd go, you know, pay respects, get some closure. I just didn't want to go alone. I know it's a lot to ask but...' she trails off, eyes pleading with Blair.

'Yeah, okay. We'll go.'

Blair doesn't know if Serena actually gets her closure, or what closure can actually be retrieved from all this, but she's glad they attended the funeral. The only other people there are Mr. and Mrs. Sparks and some distant, aging relatives. The emptiness is sad but… well… understandable.

Georgina's short life and unexpected death do a spin on Blair and she suddenly feels she has a ticking clock above her head. She regrets the end of her marriage, yet again, and wishes more than anything that like Serena she had a child to go home to. Time is slipping away, and she feels as though what she has is being wasted.

* * *

Serena tells Blair she's "getting her act together" which means she feels as though she has imposed on Blair far too long and is going to stay at the Palace.

'I never meant to stay this long, I'm sorry.'

'Don't apologies. We both needed this. You needed someone to take care of you and I needed someone to take care of. Anyway, you know you're welcome anytime, S.'

Blair has several boyfriends but none of them really amount to anything much, and with every month that passes she becomes more and more depressed and hopeless and the longing for a child of her own grows and grows.

Nate sends his love from England where his twins are soon born. Her mother presses her with more possible suitors, nagging and pushing for Blair to remarry and begin a family. Work picks up and she finds herself busier than ever, unable to dwell to much on the disaster that her life is turning out to be.

While they are painting Serena's new house, Blair reveals her fears of never getting the family she longs for.

'You're still young,' Serena reassures, midnight blue smudged on her cheek and strands of hair escaping her hair tie. 'Don't search for love or you'll end up tearing your hair out, just sit back and let it come to you.'

'That may work for you, Van Der Woodsen, but not for me. When I look at guys I'm not even looking for love anymore. I'm sizing them up to see if they're marriage material and if they'll make beautiful children. Time is flying by and all I have to show for it is a Yale diploma and a divorce paper. I used to have it all planned out. Go to Yale; be married by twenty-four and start making babies while somehow having a glamorous career at the same time. God, how did I think I could do it all? How could I possibly think that just cause I had the plan in my head, meant that it would all come true in life? What, by my will power? I chose a career, I chose to travel the world and see everything, to make money and be independent. Because of that I lost love, married a man that would never work and have ended up childless and bitter and regretful.'

'And if you had chosen the other stuff; love and children? You'd be regretting not having a career.'

Blair shook her head, biting the inside of her cheek as she worked the paint roller furiously up and down the wall. 'No. No, see, I don't think I would. I mean, having children, I can imagine wanting anything more than I do that right now. Serena, I want it so much. I have so many regrets. I should have stayed with Chuck all the way through college. If I had, we'd probably be married with kids now.'

'What's Chuck got to do with anything?'

'Ugh. I don't know. You know he had a ring right? I mean I didn't until Eric let it slip after I broke up with Chuck but... he had a ring. He wanted to marry me. But no, _I _wanted to travel, I wanted to work, I wanted to be independent and I didn't want to have to worry about leaving him behind to his own devices.'

Blair sighed and dropped the paint roller in the plastic container. Her arm ached from its exertion and she shook it out irritably.

'I should have stayed with Chuck.' She uttered.

* * *

She sees him unexpectedly at the Palace bar where she's supposed to be meeting Serena. He's always unexpected. He's always crashing in and out of her life without a care for her feelings. _Goddamn._

Blair turns sharply on her heel as she spots him at the bar, nursing a scotch, and attempts to escape but it's too late, he's already seen her.

'Waldorf.' It's not an urgent shout, but a soft, unhurried call of her name but something about it makes her turn and approach him like clockwork. She feels like a golden retriever running to her owner.

Blair smiles when he orders her a martini and she feels compelled to take the stool beside him. _Just for a while_. 'Hi. Serena didn't mention you were back in town.' Remembering her best friend she looks around the bar, cautious to be seen drinking with Chuck by the blonde as though its illegal or something.

'She doesn't know. We only just flew in.'

'We?' She picks up on the word immediately and eyes him, seeing that it had unintentionally slipped out.

'Uh, yeah.' He doesn't elaborate to who is travelling with him and there is an awkward pause in which Blair taps her foot repeatedly against the side of the bar and rolls her eyes.

'So how you been, Bass?'

She notices he looks a little thinner; face a little more gaunt and eyes dark-ringed. He looks unhappy, defeated even and though she hates to admit it, deep down it gives her a sort of sick satisfaction. The last time she had seen him he was swaggering on the happiness of a successful worldwide business, millions at his disposal and a women in love and preparing to become his wife. But in true UES tradition, the elation has lasted a few years at most.

'I'm just glad to be back in Manhattan. How about you, B?'

'Good.' Blair brushes of his question as she searches his blank profile, outlined by the Palace lights. 'How long are you planning on staying?'

He throws her a non-committal shrug as an answer and sips his drink.

'Well, aren't you pleasant company today?' Blair chirps, knowing she's being a bitch. But she is a bitch. Queen Bitch, as a matter of fact and today his misery is feeding that bitchiness.

Their reunion is cut short by Serena's arrival. The blonde had repeated "oh my god!" for a record amount of time before Chuck suggested they go up to his suite, his tongue curling deviously around the word "threesome" and Blair and Serena do the eye-rolling "you're a pig" disgusted act just like they would in the old days before following him to the lifts.

And that's were the dull, hollow ache of longing for a child becomes too much to bare when they are introduced to Chuck's son (all though Serena had met him before, being his auntie) and "we" becomes clear.

She doesn't know how she's avoided this moment for so long because the boy must be around three years old now. The sight of what could have been hers kills her.

Sure, she's seen pictures of the boy before but they were new born-type photos that Serena had sent over and Blair had flicked through disinterestedly, telling Shakespeare that all babies looked the same anyway.

But now Blair was seeing him, Chuck's flesh and blood, the heir and only child, for the first real time.

The boy was laid on the sofa, head in the lap of what presumably was his nanny, but jumped up at the sound of the door closing. He rubbed sleep from his eyes as he perched on the back of the sofa, lazy grin on his lips that was all too reminiscent of the only other male in the room.

'Daddy! I was waiting up for you but me and Theresa fell asleep watching Transformers!' He called excitedly all in one long breath before noticing the two women behind his father. The boy jumped from the back of the sofa and tugged on his father's hand. 'Hi Aunt Serena. Who's that daddy?' The small, pale face peaked round Chuck's leg to eye Blair cautiously.

'This is Blair. She's a friend.'

'Oh.'

'Listen you should be in bed,' Chuck hauled the tiny frame of the toddler into his arms and the boy laid his head against Chuck's shoulder.

Showing all the signs of fatigue, the tiny, dark haired boy said, 'but I'm not tired.'

'Get Theresa to make you some hot milk in your suite that always gets you to sleep.'

At the sound of her name, the Nanny seemed to jolt awake. Seeing that her employer had company, _lady _company_,_ she started bustling around immediately; cleaning up the child's toys that were strewn about and turning of the DVD player, which was still playing. 'I'm so sorry Mr. Bass. I you said you wouldn't be bringing anyone back tonight and the little one was being difficult and wanted to wait up for you so I thought if he just fell asleep here I could take him back across to our suite but… well… I fell asleep as well.'

'It's fine. It's been a long day. If you could take him across now and get him to bed?'

'Of course.'

When they'd gone the suite was left in an awkward silence and Blair tried desperately to calm her racing heart.

Chuck looked straight at the carpet as he muttered, 'I'm sorry; I didn't think they'd be here. He's staying with Theresa down the hall… Sorry.'

'No trouble, I can't believe how big he's gotten! We should set up a play date for the kids, it would be fantastic! It's such a shame that our families barely know each other.'

_Our families._ _Yeah, rub it in, S._ Blair thought bitterly.

That night, Chuck revealed the cause for his sour mood; the sight of the end of his marriage.

'It's just not working out. But if I'm not living with Gabriella then the time I get to spend with my son will go from barely nothing to a postcard once in a while.'

'So, she'll have him?' Blair questioned, unsure of how she should be feeling at these revelations.

'No doubt about it. I'm barely at home as it is, and I can't keep him with me all the time with all the travelling. I thought… I thought after the baby came I'd be able to settle down, you know, reside at the home and only take a few business trips a year. But, I was eager to escape my wife.' He grinned mirthlessly. 'I thought the marriage would work. She was easy to get along with, didn't mind if I strayed as long as it wasn't flaunted in her face, a good mother.'

'But you didn't love her.' Blair cut in, and the silence that followed her words made her cringe. Chuck looked at her, for the first time that night, _really_ looked at her. 'You told me, you said you didn't love her. If there was one thing I learned from my own marriage is that you can't expect it to work if you don't love the person… even if… even if they love you.'

The tension was heavy in the room as they stared at each other openly. Serena cleared her throat and muttered something about the bathroom.

'You need to find someone you love, I mean _really_ love.'

He smiled, eyes glimmering with the irony. 'Didn't I tell you that same night that I'd love no one but you.'

'Something to that effect, yes... How long did you say you were staying in New York for again?'

* * *

At Chuck's birthday party Blair reveals the big news regarding her now not-so empty ring finger. Nate who flew all the way over from England mutters to Chuck, 'I didn't even know you were back together.'

'…We've been together for six months, Nate.' Chuck gave a confused look to Nate who looked equally puzzled.

'But I thought you broke up last month? You called and told me you broke up.'

'Oh didn't I call you back? After that I went and saw Blair and we got back together.'

'You'll never guess who I saw yesterday!' Serena says as they eat birthday cake and listen to Nate's abysmal karaoke skills. 'Dan Humphrey! My first love, remember!'

'Serena,' Blair looks at her best friend pointedly, feeling for the first time in years like she was really and actually happy. 'What were you doing in Brooklyn, exactly?'

'Um… Sitting back and waiting for love to come find me?'

End.

Ah! I haven't written anything in ages, feels good to get that out!

You probably noticed I didn't name any of the kids; I can never think of names for characters so I thought I'd leave it up to you everyone has their own preferences (yeah don't act like you haven't thought about it :p).

Okay so I hope you enjoyed it, leave a review and let me know what you think.


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